Becoming a Parent Coach
Being a parent is a lifelong commitment that begins at birth and continues as the child changes through all phases of life. None of these changes can be more challenging than what a child goes through in the teenage years.
Being a parent is a lifelong commitment that begins at birth and continues as the child changes through all phases of life. None of these changes can be more challenging than what a child goes through in the teenage years. Think of the first six years of your parenting life as you being a teacher to your child, teaching them all they need to know to gain all the information for later life. The next stage occurs between ages six and seven when a child moves from “learning to read” to “reading to learn” and as your child moves through this phase you become a manager in their lives, the administrator so to speak, as they begin to initiate activities and become more social. When your child hits about thirteen something even more extraordinary happens and their cognitive ability begins to develop. They begin to be able to understand more abstract thought processes. They begin to realise that life exists outside their own world and that this can have an effect on other emotions like they never had before. In this stage the parent needs to move with the teenager into a different communication style. You now need to move into a Coaching style. Your teen no longer requires you in the capacity as before and now needs you in a more supportive role. This is when you can become a Parent as Coach. So are you ready for this shift? What needs to change for you to move into a different role? What stumbling blocks may get in your way? Take charge now and begin to ask yourself how you need to grow to make way for your emerging teenager. The coaching perspective may be a challenging perspective for you to take on at first. As a coach we listen without judgement, we encourage choice, we encourage different perspectives and we ensure people grow into the person they need to become in order to achieve what they want to achieve. We have 100% belief in our clients and are with them every step of the way, supporting and encouraging.
As a Parent Coach you will?
Begin to mirror respect and appreciation Learn the courtesy of listening to others Learn to form values and convictions around these values Learn to negotiate and compromise in a healthy way Extend compassion to all Learn to embraces life’s challenges. Are you up for this? Can you now make room for your own development? Where do you feel you may find most challenges? What can you now put in place to ensure you have all you need to make this shift a success for you? Who are you? Do you know? One of the most important aspects of being a coach is knowing yourself. If you are setting out to support you teen in their development you need to be working on your own too. A good Parent Coach? Sets and reflects standards Do you keep your word? Do you know what your standards are? What does your child see when they look at you as a role model? Do you have self-respect? Do you face challenges or ignore them? Truly look at yourself and ask what standards do I need to raise to be a more effective role model for my teen? Is flexible and creative. Do you adapt to a changing world easily, and more importantly the world of a changing teenager? Are you too rigid in your demands and expectations? Could an inflexible nature get in the way of parenting your teen? Look at your teenager as a learning experience for you. Listen, learn adapt and create in every moment, and always ask yourself if what you doing is in service of the relationship. Has patience. Patience is a long-term investment and helping your teen build a life for the future takes time! How patient are you? Ask your child if they think you are patient. Look at how you can bring pauses into your communication just to practice patience and get you ready. Simply stopping and counting to 10 is worth its weight in gold. Remember to have patience with yourself to - this is a lifetime process. Is consistent When you are consistent and when what you say you do matches what you do, your teen will pick up this pattern and respond to you in a similar fashion. Be consistent in what you say and do and be as consistently available to your teen as you can. Despite what they may say they need you more than ever right now. Start looking at all the things you say you will do to others and how consistently you actually do them. What needs to change for you to become a model of consistency? As a Parent Coach, speak clearly. Make clear requests of your teen and mean what you say. Don’t agree to things you are uncomfortable with, keep your word and let your teen see you follow through. Notice how you talk to your teen, the language and tone you use. Observe yourself and notice whether your overall tone is one of civility and respect or one that demonstrates frustration and impatience.
Listen to understand. Listen to your teen, not for what is being said but what is underneath. Listen not to respond but to understand. Listen for the root of what your teen is saying; listen for what they are not saying. Listen to their delivery as well as the words and listen with compassion. This week listen only to understand. Observe how this feels for you and what you may need to change to make this feel easier. Stay open. Don’t expect to do the same thing twice and get the same result. If you want a different result you need to try something different. Try new things, play with new ideas and perspectives. How easy do you find it to stay this open with your teen? Reserve judgement. How often do you judge your teenager? Do you tell them? Excessive judgement made on a teenager who is in the process of discovering who they are can have a devastating effect. Observe how often you judge your teen and ask yourself what you can do to move into a more accepting role. As a coach we never judge. What do you need to do to never judge your teen? When you feel a judgment ask yourself how much of this judgment is your stuff and how much is theirs. Focus on outcomes. As a coach we always focus on outcome, asking our client what is the result they want. Begin to ask your teen the same question. What result do they want from every situation? Then ask them what they need to change to get that result. Always keep your eye on the bigger picture and keep future focused. These are the building blocks for you to move into a new coaching role with your teen. So you have now got a good idea of where you are and what needs to change to get you where you need to be. Be honest and patient, this is a process that will take time. Pick an area that you want to work on first and practice, practice, practice. Remember, the art of a practice is that it is never perfect. When you have finished with one area evaluate it and move on. Have fun and be gentle with yourself.
About the Author
Sarah Newton founded Coaching 4 Teens in 2002. She quickly built a reputation for delivering quality coaching that produced quick results. She was among the first eight people to be trained in the Parent as Coach approach. To this approach Sarah brings her own experiences of working with teenagers for four years training them in such topics as crime, drugs, safety and citizenship.